She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
