I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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