Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
