yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
