If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
