wanna go halves on a baby?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
