The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
