The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
