I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize