ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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