I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There r osticjed everywhere
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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