I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
