My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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