i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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