so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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