she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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