she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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