I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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