What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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