Where did you get a picture of my penis
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
