My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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