Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
