2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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