I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
