he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
