I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
