frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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