I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
