I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize