you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
