we're blogging at a bar
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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