am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
