I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
