sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
