You smell like stripper and shame
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
