If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
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