he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
