So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
