That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
