i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
