I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You took a bar mat shot.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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