I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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