I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
