can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
