I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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