the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
