atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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