I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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