4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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