so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Randomize
