toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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