I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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