I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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