I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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