I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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