booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
