i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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