i need an iv and a liver transplant
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
