he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
