You made me cry and you don't even care
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
