I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
