I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
